v u l v a l i c i o u s
i need you, i miss you
there is something to the feeling of being held. physically held, real arms and real bodies pressed together. what other creatures embrace? do most mammals hold one another in sleep, not for warmth but for comfort, or is it a human thing to do?
what's true is that i didn't want to leave. that i felt like planting my feet and saying yes to staying and holding and being held and seeing and hearing and feeling alive again. i almost did it. i almost didn't go.
and now i am thinking of walking backwards, of how it would feel to end up in the place that i already left, same smells and sights and sounds and sounds and sounds. i remember feeling so penned in and lonely in that tall and crowded city, i remember leaving and saying i'd never miss it. i don't, not really. it's just i'm willing to make a trade now.
what's true is that i miss you. i miss just sitting with you, talking, walking, the ease of it all but also the careful way that you set about your day with me in it. it's really not easy. but it's good. thoughtful. full. warm. tender.
i can't continue on without a friend. i forget what it's like to just be held. it's so beautiful, a respite from everything dirty and hard that i hated so much. i can come back, can make this work.
i need you, friend. i need you.