v u l v a l i c i o u s
it's hard to explain, though not impossible. if you have the time, the energy, the patience to take someone by the hand and walk them through the choices you've made.
so i guess i don't want to. i'd rather it be easy, rather the other person look at me and say they understand because they do. and then, starting from the same little spot on the earth, we survey the world around us, breath the same air, point to the same little tree and see how it can grow, grow. grow.
instead it sometimes feels like i am trying to describe an impossible room to someone who has always lived in grey.
i could say that i chose my life. it is true. i could have been a different person in a different world. once there was a boy, and i liked him, and i thought about him, and he liked me, maybe. we were both such good catholic stock. he was funny and smart, and he made me laugh. i liked that boy. i would sit and think about him, and think that maybe someday it would work.
and then there were girls. everywhere. and they were smart, and funny, and they made me laugh. and they gave me space, breathing room, growing room, sunlight. they challenged me. they loved me.
the first time i ever almost kissed a girl, i felt the room close in around me, then explode.
so i chose that. i chose the feeling of expanding. i was never born this way, i just decided that this was the right way to be. and i still don't quite understand how this isn't the way for everyone.
the trick, the complicated trick, is explaining not only all that, but also that loving women does not mean not loving masculinity. that it is a twisting, turning, flipping, flopping, jam of masculinity that can attract me to someone.
that i love queer masculinity. what queer means. the verbness of it. the nouniness. the abject adjectivity of it. that shirt with those glasses on that person holding that book next to me.
that i am a femme, not a real little lady. that i love butches in a faggoty way. that this is not an insult. that none of this was.
and you can't say all of this. not wearing work clothes, in the break room, 3 minutes left and 5 minutes worth of oatmeal in front of you. so instead you say,
oh, i like guys sometimes too. i have dated some, once or twice.