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v u l v a l i c i o u s

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2020-04-10 // 7:24 a.m.

The funny thing about everyone isolating is that it's what I've been forced to do for so long now that most of it doesn't seem strange anymore. People joke about having lost all concept of time; it's 7:30 in the morning and I am not asleep yet. I've been tired all day, though. If I weren't fatigued perhaps I'd feel different...except that if I weren't fatigued, I wouldn't have lyme, and if I didn't have lyme I'd still be working, and if I were still working:

I'd be at the grocery store. I'd be wearing a mask. I would be bringing groceries to friends who need them. I would be 'on the front lines' as it were and still angry as hell every time I saw something calling the average service industry employee a "hero" for showing up to work when they truly have no other choice.

But that's not the timeline we're in. A part of me is certain that there's an alternate timeline that broke off in 2016 and that in that one things look very different. Doesn't quite matter though.

Anyway, life isn't different, mostly. I have a new housemate, and it's exhausting but good. She cares about the house and it's shocking but good, honestly a bit like being doused with ice water but knowing that the water will get warm eventually. With my last housemate, things had gotten pretty awful in a lot of ways-- they really only cared about the aesthetic/appearance of cleanliness and nothing else, and as long as that was maintained they didn't care about anything else.

So the new housemate has been cleaning A LOT and I have been blowing out my energy trying to help. Every few days I start to feel a little better, and then I offer to do some small part of a project and end up basically collapsing. My vision has been going blurry more and more frequently, too. It feels like an eye spasm, almost? Like when I shake or my teeth chatter, except. Inside my eyes. I also came really close to passing out the other day and basically had to lower myself slowly to the floor. Cried for a while, worrying I wouldn't be able to get up. Finally managed it. Felt so disappointed that I'd gotten to that point though.

I wanted to write tonight/earlier. Opening my computer now just on the off chance that I can manage 15 minutes or so. I was really hoping it would work out (I am low energy but my brain feels reasonably functional) and then I got a really disturbing anon message about a friend on a different site. It's not disturbing bc of any truth-- it was 100% hurtful lies and accusations --but bc it was particularly cruel and undeserved. The person they were talking about is one of the kindest people I've met online (that's saying a lot; I've made many friends online in my life) and I know that the reasons for ppl saying this shit are absolutely meaningless...most likely really ridiculous fandom discourse.

Ugh. Anyway it was super shitty to read and I had nobody to tell it to bc I don't wanna disturb anyone else. And. Ha. I don't want to put it here and then stumble across it in the future to re-upset myself. Needless to say it kinda put my writing on hold when I started crying about it, thinking about everything my friend is dealing with (homeschooling kids, divorce, working in mental health as an essential worker, among other things) and worrying about adding one more thing to her life.

Why are people shitty to one another? Like. Publicly shitty? I don't understand, but I always hope it's youth and that the people who are particularly horrible will grow out of it. Even though I know it's not like that.

I just felt like spilling all this out.

There is nothing I want more right now than to press a reset button on the world. Put the whole thing back to start and try again. Or, I guess, fix it like the good place. But I just don't think that's possible right now.

back-forth

- - 2020-04-10
the tree and the branch - 2020-03-02
low resolution - 2020-01-02
i just read my previous entries... - 2019-11-26
to keep - 2019-11-26