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long term flirtationship
2023-04-03 // 8:37 a.m.

there's this person i've been flirting with off and on for the past several years. since 2017, maybe? i'm sure i could dig back through my internet chatter and find mention of them somewhere. anyway our chatting started picking up sometime in the fall and we had a little video chat that was cute and fun where i remembered that OH RIGHT, they're very cute and easy to talk to and absolutely the sort of person i'd say i want to date if asked.

they said they wanted to come visit me in november or december. november felt really busy-- i had a visit planned to see my fellow mostly housebound friend, followed not long after with my ex coming to town for a brief visit. we haven't seen each other in years, and honestly i knew it was all going to take me out and it did. and then i got covid, because of course i did, and there was no way i could've handled a visitor in december or january mostly due to fatigue.

i avoided a couple of their messages asking about a call. wanting to plan a visit.

and then sometime in early march i noticed that they weren't pushing for a call anymore and then a couple weeks ago they posted about dating someone new, trans love, etc etc. i kinda sighed and shrugged. in two years they'll hit me up again, maybe. i'll probably still be single. it doesn't actually make me sad or envious or all the things i think i'm "supposed to" feel. i'm honestly happy for them?

but that's what itches.

sometimes i am so lonely that it feels like i'm drowning. but mostly i've gotten to where i just don't know how i'd even be with someone else. here's this person who i've met before and have great chats with, who i think is really hot and who somehow thinks i'm hot too, and yet? the thought of having them visit filled me with more dread than excitement. i was thinking about how to tell them they can't smoke weed in my house bc the smell makes me feel horrible and wondering what we would do considering i don't have the energy for more than a few hours of hanging out at most. would they stay here with me? how would we manage covid protocols?

oh, and how do i let someone into my hell pit of a room that i can't physically clean or tidy up because i barely manage to feed myself, shower, and do dishes with the energy i have? i've always struggled with being called sexy because. well. am i? now i can look back and say yes, i was. and now? visually, yes. i am sexy. weird but true. but everything beyond the visual-- past the still picture i might take on the fly --isn't sexy at all. being unshowered for 3-4 days isn't sexy. losing the capability to continue a conversation because i've been hit by a wave of exhaustion isn't sexy. my room, my messy life, all the nuts and bolts. it's just not sexy.

i am so terrified of letting anyone get close, physically because of covid, emotionally because i'm a mess. i think about the amount of life i likely have ahead and it feels too long and too short at once. i wanted to fall in love again. but i don't think it can happen when i feel like this.


long term flirtationship - 2023-04-03
on hold - 2022-05-22
trust - 2020-10-15
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the tree and the branch - 2020-03-02