v u l v a l i c i o u s
I haven't known you to be so bitter, but there you are. Eyes curdling, mouth souring up, body tensing into a tight ball of resentment. I think you've changed. You have. I remember you laughing, singing out high notes, confident. I remember a different person.
You ache for friends, but stopped making time for them. Your best relationship is the one you have with your regrets, resentments, anger; with the bitterness that you've been growing over the years. And I am scared to see you in 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 15, 25 more. Who will you be? What beautiful facade will you put out while inside your voice is cracking and crying?
It's in the eyes. In case you didn't know that. It feels like the light that will never go out, and you see it sparkling, glowing, glinting in sunlight; beaming out hope in the darkness.
I have never watched it fade, but now I've seen it. These women consumed by lovers, jobs, husbands, children, slowly slowly. You'd barely see it. Inch by inch, starting with the feet. Creeping up, now. Knees, thighs, cunt, belly, chest, until the spark dies. And her eyes have a glaze over them, a hazy distance.
She talks about her child, her husband, her life, her world, and in her eyes you see the birthday gift that was never asked for that, out of politeness, can't be returned.
Your heart doesn't die when you get old. It dies when you give up.
There's hope for you, I know it. I feel it. I just don't want you to give in.
I wanted to tell you, looking at you, how much I still love you. How your face makes me smile. How much it means to me that you're still here, still so loving and open.
I need you to know that you don't have to settle for some half grown man who treats you like day old bread. You should never settle, not you, not ever.
I know I never told you that I love you, but something tells me you know.
But do you know that everyone loves you? That everyone who meets you falls in love with you when you laugh that big laugh of yours and smile and shrug? They do. I do.
And I would tell you, but I don't think I should. So instead I am sending it out into the universe-by-way-of-the-internet: don't settle for half love, half like, half anything. Take it all. Everything.
I think I will always know you, and I am grateful for that. Years pass and still when we talk it feels like I am picking up a good book and reading the best parts again. Steady, honest, open.
You guard your body, but your heart is wide open. You never lie, from what I can tell. I wish I could say that for myself, but I know I wear a mask for most people. Not with you, though. Why would I? What's the need when I know you are really present with me every time?
You are looking for real people. We both are, but not everyone is. I want to be there with you. Potlucks and late night talks, your laugh filling a room with joy.