v u l v a l i c i o u s
the tree and the branch
I think October of this year will be five years of celibacy for me. Only the first one of those felt frustrating, I think. Except I did come close to having sex once in there, when I was starting to get sick but not entirely wrecked.
I don't particularly want to fuck anyone, but part of me feels like I should. Just to do it, because why not?
Except I don't want the floodgates to open. I don't want to miss having sex any more than I do, because right now it's bearable. Like sometimes I'm so lonely that I feel like a twisted limb in a storm, wrenched apart from what used to be my whole self and pulled by something strong and dark that wants me to be solitary on the ground. But in general it's not like that. It's more of a a phantom limb.
Maybe on those days I'm the tree. Not the branch.