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v u l v a l i c i o u s

low resolution
2020-01-02 // 3:19 a.m.

part of me wants to set intentions for the new year. to be kinder to myself, to remember that i am struggling because this stuff is actually hard and that it makes sense to need help (but i do have to ask for it). to set aside time every day to do something gentle with myself like sit in the sun or soak my feet in the bath or. something.

but honestly? i don't know that i'll do any of those things.

it is so hard to be kind to myself when i'm so weak. when i'm not fighting to survive (because honestly i don't think i want to survive-- not in an active death way, but in the way that people in action movies get swallowed by tsunamis: standing still, they're taken away. gone, probably dead. but you never see them and you never know. their bodies don't wash ashore and there are no loved ones and most likely they were just the cab driver who said, "i think it's better to wait here. someone will come to save us.")

it's hard to be kind to that person. it's hard to not yell at them. Do Something, i want to say. Nobody is coming to Save you.

but. god i wish they would. shouldn't that be enough? where's the point at which you're allowed to say that you can't fucking do it anymore? i'm there. i'm there and this isn't even as hard as life could get, and i know that but i don't care because i can't even manage this.

i'm so exhausted by never knowing how i'll feel and by waking up with molasses in my limbs and stumbling over words and ideas and closing my eyes in the car because the world keeps going blurry no matter where i try to focus. i'm tired of being dizzy, of being not quite in pain but certainly not not in pain.

and i'm so, so tired of doing all of it alone.

i woke up today feeling run over after celebrating last night. let me be clear: by celebrating i mean that i went to a friend's house around 8, we ate dinner, and then we played a board game for a few hours. there were just three of us for half the time, then the group went to seven. i was home just after 1am, which is not late for me at all. i didn't have any champagne. i didn't dance around or even stand up most of the night.

no, i was completely worn out by what most people would consider a chill night in. i felt as bad as if healthy me had drunk a whole bottle of champagne ( i used to do that on nye and not be bothered by it, actually) and gone out to dance and party til 3am.

i got up today and shuffled into the kitchen, feeling unsteady on my feet. i microwaved breakfast. after i had already put my food in my housemate offered me some of their food. maybe it's the thought that counts, but. offering that before i started microwaving something would've maybe been more thoughtful?

they are absolutely making things harder for me right now and i don't know how to deal with it.

possible resolution: work at asserting myself more. ask for what i want and demand what i need. do not accept half-hearted promises to do better that don't involve follow through.

they and their gf threw a bunch of food scraps and flowers into the garbage instead of making a compost bag. so i make a compost bag. i dig stuff out of the trash as much as i can, though there's still stuff in there when i've done what i can so i also bag up the trash. housemate seems annoyed that i left it on the porch for them to take out on their way.

i felt like shit today!! really fucking bad!! i was bone tired and having weird stabbing pains in my lower abdomen, probably fucking pcos related but honestly who tf knows? all my movements were hard on me and took so much fucking effort!!! and. goddamn. do i have to articulate that in order to get help? do i really need to spell it all out every day, maybe give a status report upon waking up?

dear housemate: today i am lonely but lacking spoons. i will be able to cook dinner for myself but do nothing else, and i want to be in common space bc i'm an isolated extrovert and i don't want to be in bed prison today.

and honestly i think i'll pay for doing my dishes after cooking and for taking the trash out. i will probably not feel any better tomorrow. every day is like that. every! fucking! day!

and unlike the movies there are no tsunamis and nothing to stop things from being more than i can handle. i am weak and i know it. my closest friend in town is trying to move away because she wants to make a better life for herself and needs to be out of the city for her health. she's got a chronic illness and has been through cancer and she is so tough and strong and i look at her and think: how?

she just does it.

i don't know how. i don't know if i can learn. i'm not sure i want to.

how can i be kinder to myself when i think like that? i infuriate myself.

i want this year to be better though. i really do.

back-forth

- - 2020-04-10
the tree and the branch - 2020-03-02
low resolution - 2020-01-02
i just read my previous entries... - 2019-11-26
to keep - 2019-11-26