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v u l v a l i c i o u s

2008-03-12 // 5:02 a.m.

I realize: It was never me, it was you. I was always good enough. I was more than good enough. I have to keep saying it over again, because it doesn't feel true:

You were emotionally abusive. And no, it wasn't as though it got to a point of no return, where I was completely cowed by you. But that doesn't mean that you weren't still abusive. And I will keep you in a corner in my mind, but that sick feeling I get when I see you now? It's not that you're with some other girl. It's that you're you. You hurt me. You Hurt Me.

And I don't forgive you.

I will own my part in it. I will own that I never told you that what you were doing was too much. I will state, for the anonymous internet record, that while we dated I didn't try to stop you. Until I did.

Was it only me? I can't believe I ask that question, as if it could possibly be true. It wasn't. I saw you undermine and manipulate other people, but I never called it that. You justified it, made it seem normal and ok to the point that I can't even see the situations clearly enough (with 2 years' time between me and them) to know if you really were right.

All I know is that I asked you to stop. And I told you to stop. And you never, ever stopped. I tried stating my needs and you told me they weren't valid. I tried adapting to what you wanted, and when I couldn't you told me I wasn't good enough.

And now I just want to be done with you. I want to never see your face again.


Flagging Femme - 2009-10-05
taking care of business - 2009-02-18
getting what you want - 2009-02-03
of salt pillars and oak trees - 2008-06-26
A List of Worries, for my mother - 2008-03-21