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v u l v a l i c i o u s taking care of business When left to my own devices, I follow a path of mild self-destruction. I stay up late and watch tv until my eyes burn and my head nods. Then I turn down the lights and read in bed, straining until I fall asleep. I am now as I always have been. As a child I did these same things, took care of myself these same ways. The night that I stayed up reading Ramona and Her Father is the night that changed my life. The first change, the one that shapes me still. My dork root. But I don't remember the first time that I stayed up watching tv (only remember the Susan Powter infomercials, the shame that I felt about my fat girl body, the feeling of trying, at 3 in the morning, to determine the fat and caloric values of a baked potato) or the first night that I blinked myself awake at 4am, believing it was truly morning. I only know that these are the things I do now that you're away. I am not weeping, fasting, wringing my hands. I am packing up boxes. I am getting ready to leave behind the life I thought I'd make for myself and walk myself to the middle of the states. And down. And down. And go wherever it takes just to end up next to you. Not alone and awake at 3 in the morning. |