v u l v a l i c i o u s
today the sky turned dark, and i was alone.
i wanted a hand beside me. i wanted to be slapped hard, slammed into a wall, kissed, bitten, fucked.
i wanted a hand beside me. i wanted to be picked up, brushed off, soothed, comforted, loved.
instead i sat and wrote about love. i wrote about being in love with your friends. meeting them outside your body, seeing them for the first time and knowing that you'll know them forever, for good.
when i hold your hand, it feels like i am holding my own. there is a part of me that is comforting another part. i keep a picture in my mind of us, with our faces pressed together, nose to nose. it is a pose of love, deep and warm. i am in love with you, friend.
when i left you that last time, i couldn't stop crying. it felt like someone was ripping away a part of me and leaving it on the curb. there lies my arm, the one that i used to do everything important. here goes the rest of me, taking a too long flight out of brooklyn.
when i held you last i tried squeezing as tight as i could, cracked your back and lifted you up. i wanted to memorize your smell, the smallness of you, the way you fold yourself into me when we embrace. i kissed your cheek, just near your ear. i could smell your hair, that warm, earthy, homey smell of you, and i remembered lying on a mattress on your floor, spooning next to you as the light started filtering in to your shoebox room.
and there are the ones you never leave, who never leave you. we pick up as if i never left, as if i still snuck out of my house to meet you at the end of the street. our lives have moved through pages and pages, two intertwined graphic novels with separate queer heroines. i know your story like it's mine.
i have a lover who loves me. our hearts aren't breaking, i am not leaving. i am not choosing. i don't have to. i have you, and you have me. our souls meet, eye to eye and hand to hand. you bring me to my body, let me into my whole self.
i am in love with you, friend. truly, deeply, more than you can know.