v u l v a l i c i o u s
are you in or out
it's wrong to say i have one foot out the door. it's not that simple.
my heart is a quarter here, a quarter with family, and then a full half is broken into pieces i've given out to friends for safe keeping. i don't expect it to be whole, but i keep thinking i ought to have more for you. i mean i should miss you when i'm gone. i don't hardly at all.
and my head is here most of the time, but i wonder if there's any use to it when it's so full of other things. of not you and not us and not this. it's a lake full of fish and i am swimming in it, feeling the nip at my toes each time i kick to tread water.
anyway, tonight i think my head was somewhere else, too. one thought after another, stacks and stacks: move here, say this, don't do that, laugh, don't notice, just don't say the wrong thing, don't do the wrong thing. just be here. can you just be here?
when i can't be present for a moment, maybe i should stop everything.
of course i can say that from this end, everything over and pushed aside.
besides, if we're talking about being gone it's only my body that hasn't moved on yet. like i'm watching a movie of my life and the audio doesn't match with the way my mouth is moving. my body is staying 3 steps behind at least.
if you're wondering, yes. this means i think of leaving.
the part of me whispering, "not yet, not quite" gets quieter and quieter. every day.