v u l v a l i c i o u s
i don't believe you
i can't decide if you hate me or if i just hate myself. i suppose this adds a layer of falseness to every interaction we have, me throwing myself down on the couch sometimes and sighing about how you could never love me as much or as hard as i love you.
hate's too strong a word, anyway. you couldn't hate me, either. it's only that lack of emotional intensity that makes me claw at myself over you.
you don't need to know that i'm crying every night. that i was crying an hour ago. that i wanted to talk to you specifically because i had been crying. i've chosen not to say that tonight, and you've chosen not to ask. look at us both: so delicate.
i'm ripping apart over here. my heart is on the floor and i won't be sewn up this time. i am going to be scared. i know this.
i'm going to be ok.
the thing i keep telling myself that i never believe.