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is it because i lied when i was 17?
2017-02-21 // 3:25 p.m.

I walked outside to this gorgeous sunny day after what felt like an entire week of rainy grey. My heart got full and I was so excited by it. I imagined sitting outside in the sun, computer open, writing something. Drinking water and watching the dogs squint into the sky.

So I called in sick to work. I said it was my stomach, because nobody will ask for more information if you tell them you were on the sick on the toilet for hours. They will ask you if you say, "my depression is getting worse and I needed to be in the sunshine and not here."

They will ask you if you've called a doctor or made steps to get yourself the care you need. They're likely to offer to sit with you and make calls, even though that's a fucking fake out. Nobody ever sits with you to make calls. The people who offer that and don't bodily walk with you right at that moment to make the calls, no waiting, just fucking do it right now while I stand there with you--they're never going to sit with you.

I learned this because I get that offer a lot, and the only people who follow through do it then, there, with the understanding that you need them immediately.

Anyway, it's a mental health sick day and it's real, even if part of me thinks "that sounds fake, but okay..."

So far today I've made breakfast and a to do list. I got the laundry bin out.

It started raining 10 minutes after I called in to work, because that's actually how my life looks right now: just when it seems everything could be alright, it turns right back to shit.

Incidentally, I spent my 10 minutes of sunshine cleaning up dog shit from the yard. Haha?

back-forth

is it because i lied when i was 17? - 2017-02-21
theories of matter - 2017-02-20
i gave you my heart - 2016-12-25
a love poem - 2016-11-15
shots fired - 2016-10-23