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v u l v a l i c i o u s

leave a message
2017-03-04 // 1:08 a.m.

when i disassociate, several things happen.

one: i stare at a fixed point. my mind starts tracing around it, like i can feel time going slower. i am listening to what a person is saying and can often respond, but i don't remember it--not at the moment, not the next day. the point i am staring at is real and unreal. i feel unfocused.

two: my fuzzy short-term memory gets worse. she says, "you have my support in that thing we talked about yesterday." i think: i know we talked, i know i cried, i know i was upset; i know what i was upset about. but what does she mean? what's she referring to? was i going to do something? did it matter?

three: things people said to me a minute ago slip out of my brain. gone. i am left scrambling for the pieces of what's hanging on.

four: the emotions i felt the other day are not a part of me. they exist in a separate world; they happened to someone else. i can speak matter-of-factly about the thing that only a day before had me reduced to a sobbing mess.

five: what brings me back to my emotions are the moments when friends reach out and express their love and support. it touches the inside of my chest and i feel full up with tears. something inside me swallows over them until they're gone again.

six: i feel everything through layers of buffering material. sadness, happiness, desire.

last night i slept only a little, dreaming the whole time. circular dreams, weird dreams, dreams i don't remember. i woke up exhausted, knowing that i'd slept only because i remembered my dream so clearly when i first woke up.

none of the therapists i called last week have called me back. their voicemails all say, "if this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911." what about when it's not an emergency but it's urgent? when you need to see someone sooner rather than later and they won't even call you back to say there are no appointments?

i don't want to feel this way. i'm exhausted and i just want to be fixed.

back-forth

leave a message - 2017-03-04
and hold my hand - 2017-02-27
is it because i lied when i was 17? - 2017-02-21
theories of matter - 2017-02-20
i gave you my heart - 2016-12-25