v u l v a l i c i o u s
it's not like i'm done with being passive aggressive and co-dependent. not by a mile. it's just that i feel like i've grown away from it a little, and that's nice.
and when i am around it, around someone who needs to anticipate my needs, it clouds the air and crams up alongside me. it flashes over my closed eyes like neon streaks: don't do this.
abrasive, aggravating, awful. don't be like this.
i was. i can be. sometimes i still am.
but i swear i've changed, a little. i don't need people the way i used to. when a friend is next to me i don't have to cling to them; spoon myself against them and rebuild my energy. i can float. wait. sometimes they stay, and that's nice. sometimes they go, and that's ok too.
it got so exhausting, trying to figure out what would make someone else happy. before they'd tell me, all that waiting. spill out the secret word, i'll scoop it from the look in your eyes and know the answer. exhausting. all that labor.
and maybe i'd rather be alone than be that person.
maybe that's ok.