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v u l v a l i c i o u s

2015-07-06 // 2:59 a.m.

I pulled out the cards for the first time in years. I guess I've been feeling desperate lately, or that I've wanted to be more of a witch. In any case, they were dusty but sorted. I shuffled and dealt, looking up a simple reading.

The first card, the past: Page of Cups. The descriptions are words, images, sometimes evocative and sometimes not. But he looks young and carefree. The last description: "changing times."

I was a laughing youth who made friends easily, who fell in love like it was so simple. All the time. But spring and summer have faded, and I am not that sunny child any more.

The second card, the present: Knight of Cups. He's matured, more thoughtful. Still likable but not so easy.

I hold my friends near me. I keep my shine. I see myself as a connector, a friend, a known and appreciated entity.

The third card, a question or thought: Empress. Earth, grounding, the card of the great Mother.

I am thinking about my power, about who I am and what that means. Not about love, but about solid companionship. "You are enough," the card says. I have a hard time believing.

The final card, the future: 6 of Pentacles. Destruction and resilience. Obstacles and natural disasters that can be overcome.

If I want to believe I am not enough, the answer is a test. The result is not being broken. "You will have your foundation shaken and you will stand."

I wanted an answer of companionship. I wanted to not be lonely. But I am whole, powerful, enough by myself. It is possible that being a partner would mean my destruction. Would mean that I couldn't stand.

I want to believe I am enough.


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