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She smiles, the small smile, that little laugh-giggle, rough; I want to tell her more
2003-01-25 // 12:15 a.m.

There are people fighting above me, or maybe just talking loudly at one another; she has been smiling at me more and more lately, making me feel like I've been let in to some secret world she's made. We are Those People, the ones you live with that have a secret history that couldn't have been, because time won't allow it. We are an exchange of conversation that someone else doesn't get. I see other eyes and read them as jealous, and I think that it would make sense for them to be.

But I read too much in to things she does, and she reads too many books to learn anything new. I find her charming and tell her in little ways, "I perceive you as being someone who has very strong ideals and yet remains openminded to new ideas and experiences." She says she hopes she's this way, and I nod, wondering if she understood my subtext, "I admire your intelligence and openmindedness; by the way, I want to kiss you."

She turns back into the kitchen, and the thread of our eye contact is broken.

I watch her pull herself across the floor in a dance move, and I call her on it. "Was that a new move?" I ask. She laughs, the small laugh, the half smile that feels like a present sliding onto her face the same way her foot just slid across the floor, slow yet deliberate, sweet and sturdy. "Yeah," she says.

She made me a tape with children's songs filling one side and Mirah on the other. The Mirah was a surprise, and I thanked her for it, really wanting to let her know that I was glad she remembered how much I had enjoyed it as we ran errands together a few months ago. She told me she thought it was funny to have the push of the 70s children's music and the pull of Mirah's sex songs, and just as I thought my reply, she spoke it--"But I think they actually go together well."

She's been smiling at me lately, and I'm holding out for something more; I'm holding my breath and waiting for the next move to come to me with quiet whispers and a push in the right direction. And there's a force that's larger than me, and it's moving my cunt to the places she needs to be.

And We will follow.


i travel backwards in time, but dream of going forward - 2006-11-21
The Gentrification of a Perfectly Good Cunt - 2006-04-02
apologia, not apology - 2006-03-06
karen carpeter loops and the space time continuum - 2005-12-19
kissing like you mean it, even when you don't necessarily know what "it" is - 2005-04-16