current | archives | rings | guestbook | profile | notes | design | host

v u l v a l i c i o u s

neon signs
2016-02-02 // 3:01 a.m.

I did a lot of grown up things today, which mostly means I spent money. Bought a new phone, did a consult for a food gig, and got a replacement headlight as well as new windshield wipers. I can't even consider how much money I spent today, because it will make me ill.

It's ok because I have it, kind of. Hopefully. Christ. I hope I did grown up things and not foolish kid things. No, it's good, I didn't go on a fucking shopping spree, I replaced an item I use every day and I made headway re: car maintenance.

And then I went looking at a friendquaintance's new dating advice business. It's actually a coaching thing, and honestly--I think I need it. Like. What the fuck. I do.

I just don't feel excited by anyone on the internet. Or in person. Or anywhere, honestly. Like: I don't fucking know you, just gtfo, don't talk to me. I'm certainly not talking to you.

Sometimes I feel sad and most times I don't. But I look at myself and feel like the words "undateable mess" are flashing over my head in neon.

And every time I help a cute customer and think Could they ever like me? Will they come back tomorrow or the next day and thank me for my suggestion and let me flirt with them? Would we ever go on a date, maybe? I end up looking in the mirror half an hour later and realizing that my hair is frizzed and I have dark circles under my eyes and none of my sparkle actually translates in the 3.5 minutes it takes me to sell them cheese.

So far no return guests. Well. There's one, but she comes in with her daughter and I think she must have a partner who just never shops with them. It's hard to know. It's hard to actually flirt, because I flirt so much anyway by accident. When I really like someone I turn awkward.

Anyway, it's irrelevant whether I'm flirting or not, dating or not, responsible or not. Here I am, regardless of any of it. I'm right here.


wins/losses - 2016-05-27
muscle memory - 2016-04-18
baby sister - 2016-03-20
because reasons - 2016-03-07
not even worth reading - 2016-02-22