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i gave you my heart
2016-12-25 // 9:27 p.m.

It's Christmas.

Usually I'd have made brunch for a small group of friends, exchanged some tiny gifts, gone out to see a movie, and maybe gotten some food (Chinese or not) out in the world.

This year I woke up to nobody home but me and the dog, grateful for the fact that I didn't have to deal with my housemate. I forgot to make brunch plans, which for me is the same as just not wanting to make them. A half-hearted text to one friend produced a negative response (already planning to go to the movies; did I want to come? no, thank you, heart emoji) and I abandoned all pretense of brunching.

Woke up to a call from my dad. 10 minutes of talking, not much for us. I can usually expect a good half hour at least. Tumbled out of bed and checked that housemate was gone. We'd agreed to fill each other's stockings, and I made and filled a stocking for them and left it by their door along with a small present. They left without filling mine or taking anything from theirs or opening their present.

I know it's not a "fuck you" but it sure felt like it. Whatever. Called their empty room a terrible garbage person and made myself a king's brunch. Eggs with greens and mushrooms and gruyere, tempeh bacon, cheese-spiked two ingredient biscuits, spiced coffee, and mimosa. And then I followed it up with fancy cheese and this amazing chocolate panforte and caramelized fig preserves. And more champagne.

At this point I knew I probably wouldn't leave the house, but I kinda thought I could turn things around. Then my sister called, and my aunt about a half hour later. One of them called as I was reading this article about being single forever, and I almost started crying. But I didn't, not really. And we said goodbye and love you and merry christmas, and it was the thought that counted, I guess.

I opened the presents that I bought and wrapped for myself, because my family is terrible at sending things in a timely manner. And maybe I need to just ask very nicely for them to send me a package from an online retailer that I can wrap and put under the tree for myself, because not having a present is depressing as fuck.

Whatever, wrapping and buying for myself worked out ok. And I got my dog a couple of things and opened them with her. She was excited, biting and chewing her new toy right away. So I snapchatted that, because then cancelling plans with my friend wouldn't seem as sad: she'd see me being cute with the dog and think I was having a good day.

I am not having a good day. I guess I'm not having a bad day, either. Just a stupid day.

And my stupid family gets to be together and open presents and maybe they're still sad, but I get to sit in my fucking house and be sad alone, so. Whatever. I guess this is what I picked.

Also I talked to my ex last night. Yes, probably a terrible idea. But I did it. We miss each other, and I just keep thinking there's not anything better in the world for me. We weren't right for each other, but we really weren't wrong. We still laugh together. We talk about games and movies and books and the dogs, and we aren't in love with each other but we do love each other. Should we have worked harder? If I still lived in Texas would my life be different? Would I have lost my job when I went to take care of my mom?

Stupid questions. Useless ones.

I'm just sad today. But tomorrow I'm back in the world. Still being sad, but out there. I have plans to have a sleepover with my old work crush. I'm less in love with them, but maybe never over them completely. Because I swear there's always this charge there, some tenderness that feels like it could be something bigger than itself. But it won't be. And that's really ok, though it makes me miss something that never happened.

I need to eat and drink water and not stay up all night. I might write instead of watching another movie, though I thought about putting on Harry Potters and seeing how many I could get through before I passed out on the couch.

So. Merry Christmas, kiss the people you love and tell them they're important. I think the world is ending soon, so it's good timing.


if you like me - 2017-04-05
leave a message - 2017-03-04
and hold my hand - 2017-02-27
is it because i lied when i was 17? - 2017-02-21
theories of matter - 2017-02-20