current | archives | rings | guestbook | profile | notes | design | host

v u l v a l i c i o u s

at the edges
2015-05-19 // 2:09 a.m.

It's been a while since I've been kissed. Not since I've kissed someone, I guess, because it wasn't that long ago that I went on a terrible date and initiated a kiss at the end, thinking maybe it wasn't so terrible if we at least spent the last minute with our lips touching.

But since I've been kissed. Kissed in that way where you know that the other person wants to do it. There is a line in a Catie Curtis song--and oh gentle reader, wherever you are, whoever you are, I'm happy to report that you can judge me all you want for repeating it--that goes something like, "It's 4am and if I don't kiss you now, I may never sleep again."

That's the sort of kiss I'm talking about. I don't quite remember the last time I was kissed like that.

And I wasn't kissed like that today, but I was saying goodbye to a sweet friend who's moving away. She's a crush, really, but one who wouldn't amount to more than a rather large and cumbersome pile of flirtatious comments and too-long hugs and missed chances. I asked her on a date months ago and she said no because we work together. What she didn't understand was that my idea of a date was going on a hike and then lying on the grass in the sun, talking and sharing a coconut water while our hands just touched. And then later: cuddling together on a couch watching cartoons and then casually deciding to makeout for a while.

Neither of those happened completely, though we went on a couple of adventures together and did cuddle on a couch watching adventure time. But today I was saying goodbye, because she's moving to the other side of the states in 3 days. And mostly I sat and let her talk about memories and read aloud from an awful book while she packed. We drank smoothies that had maca in them. She tried on long leather gloves and was worried they didn't fit right, so she asked my permission and I gave it and she grabbed my face with the glove, and I guess I hadn't realized what was going to happen, because I kind of froze.

Nothing happened then. Or at all, really. But.

We'd taken pictures and I kissed her on the cheek to say goodbye, and she pulled back and then kissed me very sweetly on the lips. I wouldn't have initiated that kiss, even though it was friendly. She did. And a part of me froze and panicked because it's been so long. How does one react to being kissed? To not being the one to ask, "may I kiss you?" Or to not take the lead?

I don't know. I don't remember.

And I've started getting lonelier at the edges, that kind of worn down feeling where you aren't sure exactly what's going to become of you down the road. The worry. I don't like it, but I can live with it for now.

I should be kissed soon, though. Really kissed.


i'm a witch - 2015-09-08
On the 2 year Anniversary of Our Breakup Announcement - 2015-09-02
selfie: - 2015-08-24
tarot - 2015-07-06
we only regret what we didn't do - 2015-06-27