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v u l v a l i c i o u s

i don't ask
2012-10-03 // 8:46 p.m.

this is a catalog of all the ways you don't touch me.

teeth, pulled across my arm, wrist, neck. anywhere, really.
your hand, hard against me. holding me down, pressing me into the mattress.
long strokes on the inside of my thighs. along the backs. prying me open gently.
deep, hard, insistent, painful, needy, now. now.

even your kisses have gone soft. i ache for tongues, pressure, heat.

i do not know how to ask for these things, and so i am quiet.

slowly i try to find them inside myself, to wrap them up and present them one by one.

so far i have bitten my wrist; sucked down my fingers, pressed my head into them until i gagged; ran a thumb lightly over my nose, then down, biting, always biting, it's teeth i want, need, crave. i have those.

so far i have opened myself and writhed against the edge of the bed, fucked myself depraved, left myself aching for more and from too much; i have stared myself down and said, "yes, yes, you're gorgeous, fuck, yes." fuck. yes.

i have slapped my face, worn bruises into my thighs, pinched myself hard, then harder. sucked down a knife.

i do these things because i don't know the right words to use to ask for them. because from this distance, in this light, your face tells me no before i even have a question out yet.

and i am tired, too. so tired all the time and yet never sleeping. my body humming lightly well into the night.


those three days - 2013-04-15
daydream - 2013-03-03
black lines white page - 2013-02-19
empty spaces - 2013-01-14
so much to say - 2012-10-03