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Logs on the fire fill me with desire
2018-12-23 // 9:49 p.m.

Jesus is coming, start getting busy.

I'm sitting alone in my cold house (the heater's broken and the tiny space heater is trying its best but it's not really succeeding at making the room any warmer). My dog is lying next to me, half asleep but always vigilant, ready to pop up and bark at a moment's notice. I can hear my housemate's dog stirring in the other room. They left earlier today and he's been lying in their room pretty much ever since. I'll try to get him to eat dinner in a bit, but in truth I don't think he will. He's still so anxious about the possibility of being abandoned that he likes to wait for them to return before eating or drinking.

Christmas is here in a day and some change. I have no plans, really. I'm making brunch for myself on Christmas day, but don't really have the energy to turn it into more of an affair than brunch for one or maybe two, so it'll be a bit lonely. maybe I'll put on a Christmas movie or my playlist. Maybe, maybe. Maybe I won't.

Listen, it's actually one of my favorite holidays. I pretended to not like Christmas for a while because that was what everyone around me did. Too cool for lights or trees, of course. Who could love a commercial Hallmark holiday, anyway? Boring boring.

I'm glad I woke the fuck up.

It's actually really nice to love Christmas: to see lights and feel wonder; to turn on holiday songs and smile; to flip to a silly Christmas rom com and watch two people fall in love in a plot that's so obvious it could hurt, but it doesn't because IT CHRISTMAS. I should be real, though, I like the holidays in general. Solstice? Love it. Hannukah? Excellent. Kwanzaa? Yup. New Year's? Bring. It. And anything else, really. I like it all.

But I don't wanna be alone. I'm aching for a partner in that way that hurts extra bad because I know I don't have the capacity to actually *be there* for someone. I barely show up for myself. And I have someone who might as well be my girlfriend, except I'm a) greysexual at the moment and b) not that attracted to her anyway, necessarily, and I can't even spend that much time with her. I'm not leaving my house besides work most weeks. Maybe one errand or hangout if I'm lucky in addition, but some weeks there's no way. It's so shitty.

So yeah, I want someone but I fully understand that the someone I want doesn't exist, and if they did they'd be getting a pretty fuckin' shitty deal in being with me. Yeah, have a partner who's too tired to see you, who can't go on dates with you, who's mostly not interested in sex, and who just wants to have your physical affection on their own terms when they need it. Ew. No. Not cute.

Listen I know I'm just whining about it and that in a few days this will be over. I also know I'll feel better if I can decorate my tree. Or do anything at all for myself. Doesn't make it easier.

I've just got an ache inside, and I want someone to hold me and love me and hand me a present. I wanna cook brunch for someone else and have them kiss me and tell me it's good, and I wanna lie together and watch elf while we cuddle under a blanket. And at night I want to kiss them goodbye or goodnight, maybe snuggle a little if it's goodnight before I go write a bit. I wanna feel like my brain works enough for that. (It does today, barely. Thank God. It's been a week, I think).

Instead I am gonna be alone. And it's fine, really. There are worse things I could be. I just want better. I want more.


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