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v u l v a l i c i o u s

bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh
2007-12-07 // 8:52 p.m.

The city is relentless. Wheels turning over highway tar and potholes, with the sound of a horn in the distance. You'd think it means there's an end in sight, but it's only a stall out. And everyone wants to keep moving.

I want to stand in one place and not feel afraid.

There will be a time when I don't believe that the world is out to get me. That the cold air is a knife and the street light shadows are a gun. That I won't rehearse a plea with a robber. rapist. killer. asshole. as I walk home at night.

My time turns into a place. The place is always not here. Non-specific, safe, easy. Anywhere but where I am now.

I wish and wish. And wish. But I won't I won't. And when there's a pattern, I want it to be different. But it's always want and wish. And then won't. My personal passive voice.

I ache for change as I inch away from it. The ache feels like fear and the fear feels like panic and the panic is dread. I turn my thoughts away as soon as I can. Change can't come if I won't let it.

In this city, I am no more alone than anywhere else.

In my body, I am as alone as I always have been. At the end of the night, it's me that's there. I'll be taking care of me tonight and tomorrow and every tomorrow. Somehow there's a way to remember that, to keep it and grow it and make it my center. To love myself as I love others, and champion myself as I champion those I love.


you can't (help) but smile - 2008-02-28
You (fantasy 1) - 2008-02-26
Admissions. Confessional. - 2008-02-21
secrets - 2008-02-12
(city)scape (e)scape - 2008-02-04