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v u l v a l i c i o u s three years later i'm tracking the years since we broke up by the number of years i've been at this job. three. ok. otherwise i'd think two, four, a hundred, yesterday. it's not supposed to hurt anymore, but it does. we talked the other day and it was like it always is--too easy, too soft. watercolors bleeding together because we aren't careful enough: too much, too close, too soon. and then you texted that you were in the hospital and wished i was there. i know. me too? except not. because it's true we miss each other. we miss all the easy times, laughing together. holding hands. passing the crossword back and forth across the table as we waited for breakfast tacos. nights at the movies up north, a practically empty theater and burgers beforehand. but as much as i love you (it's a lot), i know that's not the whole story. i don't miss the pressure to live how you wanted, where you wanted. the feeling like i only mess things up. that i'll never be enough. and honestly as much as i was good at little things, i never found the way to love you big. neither of us actually deserves that. so it's been three years since we had a series of talks, finally sitting on the couch and saying it should end. we made the right choice then. and i won't go back on it again, not after the way that ended before. i'm ready to want to move on. even if i haven't. even if i'm sitting here wishing this were easier, writing when i should be sleeping, only barely not crying. |