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v u l v a l i c i o u s married. sometime at the end of this month, he's getting married. it's already happened, really. it's just happening again. i could count the days since we broke up, or the months. i could almost count the years. give it time, and i will. i don't want to still feel stuck, but i do. and i don't. i drove to the beach with the dog and watched her run the way she only does on sand. silly and wild and smiling. i went late and watched the sunset, then took pictures of the lights on the water. driving home, i got turned around and decided to make a night of it. i went shopping and ate a burger and fed the dog french fries after licking the salt off of them. as i drove home i realized this is really the first time i haven't felt like i need someone. that before, being single was always a resting point, a holding area. that it felt like me, alone, was the breath one takes before starting a story. the pause before continuing. right now i can't tell where someone else would fit. i know they will, eventually. i'm not feeling scared or desperate. lonely, sometimes. yes. of course. but as i sit awake at 4am scrolling, typing, watching stupid reruns of friends and giggling to myself, i can't imagine someone else here. i know it would just look different. that when someone is in your life, you just squish around each other. one person's patterns press into the other's and something new happens. but it doesn't feel necessary. so he's getting married, or he already is, and i'm not. not dating, not interested, not fucking anyone. and it doesn't feel bad or wrong, not really. i can't tell if that'll change. but i hope it won't. |